I guess I just didn’t really realize it before.
I mean, I knew in some deep recess of my brain that is was possible, but the fact that it is coming up through the surface is scary.
I don’t think I’m ready.
I know I’m not ready.
What do you do when you aren’t ready for something but you want it so bad?
What?
Why do I think this?
Well.
I know you infiltrate my life and my dreams.
Everything I do is part of a plan to be with you.
If I hear even one negative thing about you, I seethe.
Don’t worry...it is an inside seething, not outside. I can control it.
I imagine you sleeping next to me, I imagine our future family. I see our dogs playing together. Does he like her? Will she attack him?
I smell you sometimes...randomly...I don’t know if it is a perfume or a lotion, but it is intoxicating. My day stops and my life depends on that scent.
My soul screams out for you at inopportune times.
I will be doing something mundane, like making coffee, for instance. I can literally hear my soul screaming for you.
I pause...
I let it set in...
Then I tell my conscious self that you aren’t here.
My unconscious doesn’t know that and it doesn’t understand...it just aches for you. It is a body shattering scream. At times I have fallen to my knees. My soul knows where it needs to be...my body is hesitant. It is a battle of fates.
